Kai Holland

Spoken in English. Their words, as they said them.

I feel I am the hero in my own story in a lot of ways because without me actually identifying with that trauma, identifying the trauma and becoming one with that condition, I wouldn't be able to have harnessed my potential to be at this present moment. And I feel the success of those engagements has built a stance for my future that I will never be able to deny even if I'm depressed. You know, if I have days of anxiety or depression, I'm still always going to have that idea now of I can get through this. The future is waiting for me, and there's a lot of people relying on me to be there and to get my duties and my jobs done.

Not all of those people relying on me are alive in this realm, you know. I come from a line of working class, hard headed, hard in the fist men, and this is how I was brought up with my grandfather. And I feel from the circumstances of my birth and the line that led to me, I feel I have a duty to utilize my potential and to make the very best of any circumstances. So even if I am making the best of a bad situation, it's in terms of getting the best and being the best example I can be and utilizing that life potential that was granted to me by that line. Grandparents, great grandparents, great great grandparents, you know. Millions of people have led to my existence, you know. And What kind of kick in the face would it be for me to check out, you know, before I've actually achieved what could be achieved with my life and my mind? You know, it would be a complete waste. It'd be a spit in the eye of history.

It would be more of an insult to me, to myself, to not try and engage with that potential. It would be like rubbing salt in my own wounds, you know, like taking away opportunities just by deleting the possibility of wanting to choose those opportunities in my mind.

I do have a condition. It's a dissociative amnesia disorder, and, it's brought around by psychotraumatic events. And it could have gone one of three ways. I could have ended up with a dissociative personality disorder, a dissociative amnesia disorder, or it could have been in a completely vegetative state of dissociation. Now, I'm glad I didn't develop the personality disorder because a lot of people with these kinds of experiences do do that, and it it causes some problems to can we say that? With their sociability and their socialization and being part of communities and things. And I feel like now I've dealt with that trauma and I've identified with my condition. I feel more powerful. I feel I feel there's potential for my life now. Whereas when my memories first started coming back, I was very lost. I was a broken man, and, I couldn't find any any sense in in being around, you know. I couldn't find any purpose. I couldn't find a new new place. I couldn't find any sense of value in any of my experiences when those memories came back. And, healing from that is something that I've had to really engage mindfully with because there's so many people in my family who rely on my existence, simply on my existence. You know, waiting for me to do anything. They just need me to be alive. And they, you know, if I'm not there, then that crime that my stepfather has committed by engaging in those acts and hiding them from the rest of my family and causing that damage to my brain and stamping out those earlier drives towards consciousness and the science of consciousness and physics and things, it would just be another waste, wouldn't it? It would be another crime. But if I let it happen to myself, it'd be a crime against myself then. You know, I'm at that stage now where I've been able to deal with those memories coming back and been able to identify with my trauma, identify good things about the process of identifying that trauma and then take those things forward. And that's the reason why I'm here.

I've had difficulty, but my triumphs in recent years have been greater than any of my losses. And I think that's the universe feeding back to me in some ways. Even though a lot of the things I'm doing are down to choices that I've made, I do feel that I've come to a certain point in my life now where the university is feeding back, and I'm feeling those, like, coherences and those interchanges. And I'm seeing a value in my cosmology. And the best thing about that cosmology is my ability to communicate it. And I'll never be able to communicate it if I'm not here.

Haven't really much focused on the emotional well-being. And for that, I do need support, and I do need a connection with somebody who I can talk to and somebody who's going to understand me, accept my traumas as they are, and the fact that they don't define me. And to be honest to you, I would really love to feel love now, you know, and to to engage in that level whereby I would submit myself to that relationship and it would nourish me in a way where I could be emotionally a castle rather than emotionally the broken rocks at the bottom of the well, you know. I know those are two opposite extremes, but there is no middle ground with this kind of condition. You're either emotionally heightened or emotionally cold. And I struggle sometimes because I'm in a emotionally heightened state, but my anatomy comes across as emotionally cold. And I feel a proper nourishing relationship with a woman who I've got a proper connection with and a proper understanding with will help me to gauge those extremes and to find a middle ground, you know, whereby I can be emotionally aware, emotionally triggered, and show my emotion in a way where it's healthy, you know, in a way where it's nourishing, in a way where it feeds back, I can learn and progress and develop. So hopefully, I'm gonna find myself a brilliant partner, and I feel like this road will lead me there. Following my heart, I suppose. And we see where it leads.